How to Deal with a Fear of Failure-Related Procrastination
Just LAR LAR it!
‘You are a star, just the way you are!’ Those were the words of the chorus floating out of my daughter’s classroom. Words which were being sung with vigour, and conviction. They all did fist pumps in the air to emphasise their belief in themselves. Indoctrinated in their little brains that they were enough; made perfectly.
Public Failure
80’s education was slightly different. There were no confidence building songs designed to encourage self-acceptance. It tended to be the opposite; wrist slapping, public humiliation and put downs. I have heard many harrowing school stories which have left scars on my clients. This is because these events occur whilst our personality is still forming. These experiences help form our identity in good and sometimes limiting ways; the echoes of our past being re-triggered in adulthood.
I had a life-changing ‘pep talk’ in front of my fellow classmates. Mr Biology Teacher looked like Fergil Sharky’s twin, dressed in ski-pant style joggers with stirrup under foot and go faster stripes down the side. This was so he could quickly switch topics and teach us from a canoe.
Anyhoo, I’d been blankly staring into space — I think they’d call it ‘Blue Sky Thinking’ these days. I wasn’t paying attention, (just like the time I got stuck upside down under water in my canoe) and it annoyed him. He said, ‘You’re a tart and you’ll never amount to anything in life.’ In all fairness, I did have electric blue mascara and white pearlescent lipstick on, which made me look as though I’d just been sick.
Well Mr Biology Teacher, thank you. I developed my first silent ‘screw you — wait and see’.
Academic Failure
The other teacher who left his mark, had a mullet style wavy mane which he would flick over his shoulder, like he was in an ‘I’m worth it’ advert. He thought he was the bee’s knees. No. Scratch that; he thought he was one of the Bee Gees. I’m sure he used to strut the corridors with the first few lines of ‘Stayin Alive’ in his head — you know the bit about using his walk and being ‘a women’s man’. He did nothing for me, but I know some 5th formers used to drool over ‘Barry Gibb’. That was probably my downfall.
When my GCSE results came out I did better than everyone expected, so stumped up the courage to go and see ‘Barry’ — he was the gate keeper for the 6th form.
My reputation preceded me. It turned out I wasn’t good enough for his elite club — or at least that’s how his words and disapproving look made me feel at the time. ‘Barry’ said I’d be more suited to the local college, which had a reputation for taking in dropouts and the academically inept. I wasn’t either. However, it is amazing how when we are told something at a vulnerable age, we take it onboard to be the truth and try it on for size…for a little while ;-).
I’d not learnt to challenge what was being said to me at that stage and so did as I was told.
These are like the stories I hear from my clients, (some are far worse), which cause them to feel not good enough or like a failure. Feeling like this takes bandwidth when triggered in the workplace and impacts on our state of mind, wellbeing and productivity. A fear of failure can prevent us from taking action, cause us to procrastinate and stifle our success.
Overcoming Fear-Related Procrastination
When I’m working with clients, I explain that we have two options when it comes to changing limiting beliefs, behaviours or emotions:
- We cheat and use something called Havening, which magically ‘erases’ the events often in childhood, connected to the present-day trigger. You can try Havening out for yourself here in my 2 minute video. It’s quick, simple and effective.
- We use mental strategies to change behaviour and overcome the issue.
In a Norman Wisdom film, just as someone was about to publicly fail on stage, he says this line which cracks me up every time, ‘Forgotten the words? Just lar lar it!’
Here’s how to overcome the fear of failure-related procrastination by just lar lar-ing it:
L is for Learning:
During COVID many of my clients have been learning excessive amounts searching for solutions to resolve pandemic related business issues. I include myself in this. I have consumed endless webinars, podcasts, blogs and books.
However, sometimes we can use ‘learning’ as an excuse to procrastinate and stay stuck. I joke about the fact it took me 10 years to write my book. I went on courses, bought and read many books on how to write a book and yet still hadn’t moved on to the next stage: Action.
I convinced myself that I didn’t know enough and that I had to learn more before I could take the plunge. This was because I had ‘failed’ early on in my book writing attempts. I shared the first chapter of my manuscript with a few people. Most said it was amazing, but I focused on the one person who red ringed my work. That was it. I stopped writing. I wasn’t good enough.
When I eventually picked up the courage to bash out words on a keyboard again, I kept getting stuck. I hadn’t recognised that it was time to learn some more! I hired a book coach. This helped me to move on to the next stage.
Therefore:
- Recognise when you are procrastinating, have learnt enough (for the next step) and are using learning as an excuse to avoid action or failure.
- Equally, recognise when you are stuck because you have missing information and need to learn more to be able to move on to the next step.
A is for Action:
When I first started coaching 16 years ago, I would get frustrated and confused as to how a client could talk about a topic for 2 hours, identify an action plan to resolve the issue and then come back the following month having not done a thing.
The fear of failure was often the culprit. If we don’t take action, we stay stuck.
I think our preferred learning style can play a part in whether we act too, i.e are you an Activist, Reflector, Theorist or Pragmatist?
I am a classic activist. I recently started a podcast. My first one was rough around the edges. I didn’t record it in the ideal environment. The birds were tweeting in the background and my swing seat was creaking. I just wanted to have a go and was in the right state of mind. If I had overthought it too much and worried about how I was going to edit it, I would have stayed at Stage 1.
As an activist learner I will jump in with both feet. Observe what did and didn’t work and then try again.
Therefore:
- Treat action like an experiment. You can perfect and get better as you continue through the cycles of the LAR LAR It Model.
R is for Review and Refine:
I am up to podcast number three and each time I have enhanced it a little more. I have changed the artwork, description, structure, recording equipment and environment etc. It’s by no means perfect. Yesterday, I went back to Step 1: Learn. I learnt how not to edit.
Therefore:
- Avoid excessively reviewing and refining. We can get stuck here too trying to perfect something before releasing it in to the big wide world. Think of it as your ‘pilot’, like producers do when testing a new show.
- Once you have taken action, you can review the feedback that comes in, then refine. In the NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) community we believe, ‘There is no failure, only feedback’.
To summarise, get clear on what stage you are stuck at. Be brave. Act and remember just as you think about failing, be like Norman Wisdom and say to yourself, ‘Just LAR LAR it’.
If any of the topics piqued your interest and you want to explore this further with me, why not book a Free Coaching Discovery Session?
